I’m going to get straight to the point; my hate for the Cowboys burns with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Born and raised in the nation’s capital, my allegiance is with the Washington Redskins. The rivalry between the Redskins and the Cowboys is the greatest rivalry in the National Football League. My argument is both factual and subjective, distant and immersed, emotional and logistical. I’m not going to get into all of the ancient history of the Redskins and the Cowboys rivalry, instead I’m going to focus on what has happened in my own experience. The Cowboys (7-1) are currently one of the juggernauts in the NFL while the Skins (4-3-1) are middle of the road with little chance of winning the division.

“Nobody rep for the Skins, they busy cheering them stars.” -Wale.

One of the main reasons this rivalry has become so intense is the amount of people from my city who cheer for the Cowboys. I don’t know of another football team who’s city reps a different team more than people who live in the D.C area represent the Cowboys. I’m all for rooting for another team every once in a while. Who doesn’t like watching Drew Brees have a shootout? How can you argue with wanting to see Gronkowski stiff arm respectable defenders like one of the DMV’s own Ronald Darby the other week?

But to root for and cheer for the team who we face twice a year, just proves the divide within the area. You’d think the people of DC, Maryland and Virginia would be more inclined to root for the hometown team but most people are born and raised as Cowboy fans. That’s like being born and raised racist, then not having enough sense to not be racist as an adult just because you were raised that way. Some Cowboy fans in our area complain that because the Skins are mediocre, they might as well cheer for the Cowboys. To quote local rapper Fat Trel, and with all due respect, “Where the f*** the loyalty atttttttt?” A good friend of mine who is about as big a football fan and as knowledgeable as they come has seen his Baltimore Ravens go through tough times, but he still remains a loyal fan of his home town. As long as the ‘Skins remain Washington’s football club, I will be a fan. My loyalty is to the city, not whether they win or lose.

Going back to the early 2000’s is when I was able to understand the game of football. The first quarterback I knew of was Patrick Ramsey. The team was not great back then, but I developed a love for my team anyhow. On the other side, the Cowboys had Vinny Testaverde. I didn’t think Vinny was that bad of a guy, but I was not about to cheer for his team at all. I’ll stick with the the Mark Brunells, the Todd Collins, the Jason Campbells, the Rex Grossmans, the RGIIIs, the Colt McCoys, and the Kirk Cousins (I didn’t mention McNabb, because he was a great quarterback and I don’t want to disrespect his resume by pointing out his tenure with Washington). My point is the Redskins may not have had the greatest crew over my existence, but I’ve still had a love for the team through trials and tribulations.

The last time the both teams faced on Thanksgiving Day was in 2012 and the Skins came out on top (38-31). I’ll venture a guess that we will do the same in 2016. Everyone has a family member who is a Cowboys fan and it grinds my gears how many fans this team has.

Now here comes the comedy…

Ravens' Chris Moore returns a blocked punt for a touchdown. (Lloyd Fox / Baltimore Sun)
Ravens’ Chris Moore returns a blocked punt for a touchdown.
(Lloyd Fox / Baltimore Sun)

Steelers-Ravens rivalry is a rivalry of dirty city vs dirtier city. Guess which one is the dirtier one? I’d say ArmPitts-burgh if half of Baltimore wasn’t under a pile of rubble from that riot that incited a few years back. Of course the two dirtiest cities in America are going to have slugfests every time they take the field. If Mexico City and Shanghai had football teams and played each other, their games would be just as ugly to watch as the Ravens vs Steelers. Why is the Redskins Cowboys rivalry better than the stupid Ravens rivalry with the lousy Steelers? To quote every real estate agent ever, “It’s all about location”.

Why is location apart of this? I’ll tell you. M&T Bank stadium is located in Baltimore, Maryland, one of the filthiest cities in America. A white glove test on the city might reveal something just short of the Black Plague. Heinz Field is located in Pittsburgh which is perhaps the center of pollution in America. Jeez, how many factory workers does one city need? Now on to the Fedex Field; located in Landover, Maryland. A suburb of Maryland just far enough from Baltimore that they aren’t affected by whatever is crawling in the Baltimore sewers. AT&T stadium is located in Arlington, Texas. Location is important because the Redskins and Cowboys don’t need to be playing in the slums to have a dogfight. They can have a good old fashioned Texas Cage match in Arlington. Redskins will scuffle in Landover. What else do you expect to happen in Pittsburgh or Baltimore; the Skins-Boys rivalry is more impressive not only because of the distance, but where they play.

I’ve seen people in Baltimore fight to the death over a turkey Sandwich, what else do you expect when a bunch of money is on the line and a bunch of fans are threatening to kill the players when they miss field goals. That is why the Skin-Boys rivalry trumps the Ravens petty rivalry with their smog brother Pittsburgh. The Skins don’t have the environmental challenges to overcome in Landover, and they still have remained the fiercest rivalry in all of the NFL. People in Baltimore pronounce Baltimore as Boldemore. That’s too close to Lord Voldemort. People in Pittsburgh probably have trouble spelling the name of their city, and they probably think Pittsburgh or Philadelphia is the state’s capital. Like I said, Mexico City vs Shanghai.

The most compelling argument of all is Baltimore sucks. There I said it. Happy? If you wanted to read an article all about the numbers and the X’s and O’s, you should go to ESPN.com. I’m only going to proofread this piece once to make sure I spelled “Baltimore sucks” correctly. Oh and Pittsburgh stinks, I can smell the city from Honolulu.


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